Hopefully Not Too Dark

*Note: I chose the title for this post because after rereading it, I realized the two major themes were unemployment and death. But I added a little happy treat at the end, so hopefully I won't anger all 4 of my faithful readers :)

Have you seen one of those movies or random TV episodes of a guy in jail who keeps track of the time he serves by tallying the days on the stone wall with a piece of chalk? He's got like 30 lines marked on the wall representing days or months - the viewer isn't sure - and when he finally gets out, he asks how long he's been there and they're like "a few hours." Well, that's how I feel about being unemployed! I know it's only been about a month, and I still have a few possibilities out there, but it seems like it's taking FOREVER! I guess this is just one more way God is allowing me to learn patience :)

On the up side, my mom is due into town soon. Her visit should be lots of fun! But I'm sad my dad wasn't able to join her in visiting us in CA for the first time. It’s been over a month since he died and you would think it would get easier to deal with over time, but somehow it hasn’t. I miss him more everyday. I don’t quite know why that is, but then again I did remarkably well at the funeral and in the days that followed – better than I thought I would. Maybe my grief is just a bit delayed. It’s really weird thinking about realities like never seeing someone again … here on earth anyway. And about where my dad really is right now. Did heaven begin for him already, or does he have to wait until "judgment day"? I should read up on it, I’m sure the answer is in the Bible. But society’s notion is that he’s “in heaven looking down on us” … I’m not sure if that’s true or not. It's comforting I guess, although I’m not sure that I want him seeing EVERYthing I do. All I do know is that I’m surprisingly and randomly emotional lately (probably I have too much time on my hands and my mind wanders!) … but I don’t know if that’s normal or not. I just really miss my dad and feel bad for my mom. It seemed like he had way too much life left to live. But I am thankful that no matter what's happening in the meantime, his ultimate destination is heaven. I can't imagine how hard it would be to deal with if I didn't have that fundamental faith base.

Anyway, sorry to go off on my dad's death like that again! To end on a light note, here are two random tidbits of information that I thought the average reader would enjoy.

#1) My sister has the uncanny ability to subconsciously turn her food into the shape of Wisconsin by eating around the edges in a certain way. It's unreal - we'll be eating cookies and suddenly she'll stop, look at her cookie and say, "Hey look. Wisconsin!"

#2) I was watching OLD reruns of Family Feud on the Gameshow Network and one of the questions was "Name a celebrity with sex appeal" ... would you believe that Betty White made the survey? Those Golden Girls must have been something in their day!

The Weather ... and Other Ramblings

In Wisconsin, I loved when it rained. For some reason, I was totally into a good storm. But now that I've gotten used to the sunny, warmish weather here in California, I love it! And suddenly, after over 6 months of central coast drought, it's been raining on and off all week ... and I'm gloomy! What's up with that?

Just got back from another interview. I hate the job searching process. I'm starting to not mind just being unemployed (I'm finally starting to use my "free time" wisely), and I have decided that I'd like to be a professional note-taker. I think I'm good at that -- I know how to write quickly and take short cuts but still have really thorough notes. Like in my labor econ classes, I had all sorts of symbols and abbreviations down pat, and I was able to sum up what the prof was saying in succinct phrases. Is there such a job? I'll sit in on people's classes for them, take their notes, type their papers (that they write), read and highlight their books ... it's almost like I'd be a ... well, a professional cheater! Um ....... yeah. Never mind. But I'm not into the lifetime student thing; I put too much pressure on myself to get good grades, and wouldn't want to live my life with that much stress.

I just discovered this really nice song by Chris Rice called "Untitled Hymn (Come To Jesus)" ... my uncle wanted to sing it at my dad's funeral, but it was too last minute and nobody knew it. Still, it would be a really good song for a funeral. I downloaded it from I-Tunes, but I'm mad because I bought the acoustic guitar version instead of the regular "radio" version. Grrr .... OH WELL, life is rough huh. Oh, another good "life reflection" song is "I Am" by Nichole Nordeman and the country song "Flies on the Butter."

What else .... We're getting a bed for our 2nd bedroom this week! That way my mom doesn't have to sleep on the ground when she visits ... or on an air mattress ... or on a flip-n-fold (you remember, the dorm room staple). Other than that ... no real news. Just rambling on the computer while listening to I-Tunes and the rain outside. Kinda nice.

Holy Randomness!

Well, as expected, I got called back for a second interview at the engineering place. I turned it down, and it felt good. So often I "take what I can get" and for once, I'm holding out! woohoo! And not two minutes later, I got a phone call from the place I REALLY want a job ... and now I have a face to face interview with them next week! They first narrowed down the candidates via phone interviews (a couple nights ago), and then I qualified for a real live one. Excitement :)

My hubby's super busy, and since I don't have a job yet, I've been doing one housework "chore" a day to create the illusion that I'm busy too. Today I cleaned the tub. That's my least favorite thing to do. No really, I can think of nothing I'd rather do less than scrub a bathtub. Anyone out there in agreement with me? Well ok, I could probably think of something if I tried really hard ... like ... lick a fish bowl or be forced to jump rope for 24 hours straight ... but generally speaking, cleaning a bathtub is the pits.

And now that I've hit a new low in my postings ... I'm going to go write a few things NOT for my blog and then start supper. My next posting will be remotely worth reading, I promise ;)

Productivity

Being unemployed for the past few weeks, I’ve had a lot of time to myself, alone at home with the ability to do just about anything I could want – I had a car and everything in the apartment at my disposable. So you would think I could get so much done: write a book, read a series of books, clean the apartment from top to bottom, run errands I usually put off, cook scrumptious meals for Jason when he returns from work, etc.

But why is it that the more time you have on your hands, the less urgent it becomes to do something productive with it? It seems that I am the type of person – or maybe everyone is this way, as a part of human nature – who needs to keep busy and have a tight schedule on a fairly regular basis (I do need SOME downtime) in order to get the little, important things done. Subconsciously, I must see it as a challenge to try and squeeze cleaning the house in between work, supper, and youth group. Why is this? Or am I the only person who feels this way? It’s a good thing to be able to still be productive in domestic areas while keeping busy in other areas of my life, but it’s not good when I DO have so much precious time on my hands and all I can do is watch the Game Show Network (“no whammies, no whammies, no whammies … STOP!”) or sleep until 9 and then surf the web.

This is not at all what I’m used to, so maybe my disciplined nature inside is rebelling at the first opportunity it’s had at just being lazy and not under pressure. But I will have to whip back into shape as soon as I have a job, and I’d rather do so beforehand so that I can actually write a significant amount or read a book on the shelf that I’ve been meaning to read while I still have the time!

I just got back from a job interview, but I'm not too excited about it. In fact, I'm really hoping I get another interview somewhere else before I have to make a decision on this one, since I don't really seem to want it. The job duties are much too industry-specific for me (engineering/surveying terms, tasks, forms, etc). That's not an industry I care to spend time learning about as heavily as they'd seem to want me to. I did, however, make a good impression with them, so if I get called for a second interview I don't know what I'll say. I do want to start making money soon, but not if a specific job is going to make me dread going into work each morning. The people were nice, the company successful ... but the job duties just not down my alley. Or is it "up my alley"? Regardless ... I'm not feeling great about it.

Ok, I'm going to go run some errands ... right after an episode of "The Match Game" :)

On the Lighter Side ...

... Ok, to offset the depth of my last entry, let me just say this: I have a job interview on Monday! Woohoo! Apparently I'm 1 of 6 who scored the interview though, so I only have a ... um ... 16.66% chance of getting the job. Yes, I used a calculator for that. Other than that, nothing to report. TTFN ... :)

Questions After Death

My dad died almost 3 weeks ago, and the phenomenon of ‘death’ is still so unclear to me. I believe that his spirit is still living, so in a sense, this physical death that we all seem to fear and know is inevitably going to happen to us, is not really a death at all, but rather a transition from this life into the next. And that next life is so unknown and such uncharted territory that it’s scary to think about. Death of a loved one is the catalyst that puts my faith and spiritual beliefs to the test, so to speak, in my own life. Life after death is no longer something that’s “out there” and something to be dealt with in the distant future. It’s happening right now to my very own father, and that’s got me thinking about so many different aspects of what we are doing here on earth, what it’s like to take your very last earthly breath, and what it’s like to take your very first heavenly one.

I don’t know if my dad can see me right now, although it’s comforting to think that he can see and hear me since I miss him and talk to him a lot. But if he can see me, does he see everything like God does? And if he can’t see me, does he remember his earthly life, family, etc., or is that all part of the imperfect past that he no longer needs to be concerned with? If that’s the case, when we are reunited in heaven someday, will we recognize each other? Will we have any memories of our lives here on earth? Sometimes I think, “Don’t take those memories away from me! I want to remember certain successes and happy times, and even some failures that I know made me a better person or that I had fun trying at anyway.” But then I think – what difference does it make? God has said that heaven will be perfect and painless and beyond what we could ask or imagine. So why does it matter whether or not I’ll remember the past or recognize anyone there? I can't begin to imagine what's in store for us, so why should my idea of heaven be bound by my earthly standards and limitations?

Maybe we won’t have any earthly memories of our families, but we will just know that we are meant to be loving each other and we will feel just as happy and gratified and loved as during the most precious memory we have. My earthly mind can’t fathom the way we might feel once we see each other again. Probably, we will be so distracted by God’s eternal glory and love and grace and acceptance that nothing else will matter. But my humanness still hopes that I will have my family unit in heaven, recognize my faithful friends, and be more outgoing and genuine than ever before on earth.

One last random thought:

Humans make so many mistakes in life and bad things happen to us all the time, but so often those mistakes or misfortunes are able to be “undone” or fixed or forgotten. Not so with death. It’s final; there is no undoing of death. It’s so weird to think that there's nothing I can do about it. I don’t want to have to wait until I die (or Jesus comes) to see my dad again. It seems like that’s too far away (even though it might not be long at all). I can hardly imagine what that reunion will be like, when I see my dad again in such a different light and environment. Any temporary “reunion” or “homecoming” here on earth produces such joy and relief and excitement … will that be how heaven is, to an infinite degree, forever?

First Post!

This is my first post EVER, so I'm going to keep it short so I can view it and make sure it's working right. I decided to join the world of blogging. Maybe it will hold me accountable to write on a more consistent basis, while allowing my friends and family to keep up with all the exciting things going on in my life. Ok, ok, so I'm unemployed and have no hobbies to do or places to go or people to see. But we just got cable installed today (the first time I've had cable since living with my parents), so I've been glued to the Game Show Network. Hey now ... that's exciting!

But seriously, it's been fun getting to know the people at our new church where Jason is youth pastor and experiencing the youth ministry here. And our apartment is starting to whip into shape too - this is the first time I've ever had more than one toilet to my domain! I'm starting to get spoiled :)

Ok, that's all for now. I will get deeper in my future posts, but this is just a trial run. Later!